Posted by: Betty | May 31, 2010

In Memory

Life has a way of changing plans and throwing out other worries. I worried for weeks about when Little Franky (my niece’s baby boy) would come.. Not for Sabby’s baptism or if I had a wedding!!!??? Would he come a little tiny bit early so I wouldn’t disappoint my younger son and not go to Laughton to meet him?!!

Saturday our world changed; when we found that Adam, Katie’s fiance and Sabby’s “Daddy” had died in his sleep overnight. He wasn’t at home with Katie, but at his Aunt’s house where Katie was going to meet him Saturday to go up to Prescott for the weekend. (Prescott is just north of Phoenix with a higher elevation – and a popular Summer destination for people here in the “valley”). After getting his aunt’s call, I hurried to Katie’s house three minutes from mine to stop her from leaving and give her the horrible news. Katie knew something was wrong because she hadn’t been able to reach Adam by phone or text all morning. She back away from me, not wanting to hear the awful truth that her fears were correct.  What followed was something no one should have to endure (on Katie and Sabby’s part) or a mother to watch.

Katie is inconsolable ;

and overwhelmed with worries. She had 8.00 in her checking until this Friday. Circumstances that once worried and upset me have enabled her dad and me, as it turns out, to enable us to help Katie a little.

What also followed Saturday morning as word spread through the family, were friends dropping everything to come, be with Katie, offers to watch Sabby, and a friend Named Mindy who came, cooked, did dishes after we hate her wonderful cooking and sat up with Katie the first night.  What also followed were her Aunt Kathie and Uncle Rob who’ve come every day. Her Aunt Sandi who’s come and just sat with her.  Every member of Katie’s family called. All her cousins either called or sent e-mail support. Almost like she has a shield of love and support protection. What followed were phone calls from both the deacon and Paster of our new church– where only a week ago, Sabby was baptized, offer prayers, support and love.  What also followed was also His family;  His cousins , his aunt, and his mom, have repeatedly reminded Katie that she was the love of his life.  His mom is overwhelmed and I see again in her, the true meaning of the term Grief Stricken.. Please pray for her if you pray ; if you don’t please send her your good thoughts. I worry she may not survive the awful shock and overwhelming grief she feels.

I’ve seen my daughter quite literally pick herself up off the floor and say exactly the right things to Sabby. Sabby THANK GOD, seems to be processing and not repressing anything. Lyndsey has come, with her brood and the distraction has been good for Sabby. Words CAN actually pierce our hearts and in an all about me moment, I heard those words and felt physical pain, Saturday when Sabby told us that it took her so long to find a Daddy who would actually love her and  then, then he died.  She cries, she plays, I’ve heard her laugh and then she cries and then she laughs.

Katie has asked me many times these last 48 hours why.. Why did he have to die; why did this happen.. and one  why, that I think I was able to answer.. why did God give me Adam if I would loose him so soon.. one year together. I’m not sure why I thought after a minute of reflection, that I knew the possible answer.  I believe and told Katie that maybe, maybe it wasn’t  God giving Adam  to her, but, knowing his time was short in this life and he gave her  to Adam. To ease his passing and know a little about the love that awaited him on the other side. Like the doctor’s had given morphine to ease the passing of both her grandmothers; God had given her to Adam to ease his passing and give him a happier last year. Adam had his demons. He fought Alcohol and prescription drug addictions for the last twenty or more years. I believe that he truly wanted to “be done with that shit” but was ultimately unable to do it. He’d known a lot of pain in his life – the loss of a son at 60 days was one example.

Why couldn’t she help him? I told her and I hope it made sense.. that when the paramedics were called Saturday morning, it was too late; Adam was already gone. When Katie came into Adam’s life. It was too late but she did give him a happy and ALMOST demon free last year.

Me? Well I will miss my  back and forth and snide comments with Adam; I cherish the memories of going over to visit during the day, and sneaking a cigarette his last month on this earth. I will miss the way his blue eyes lit up as if in surprise at his own joke or gotcha with Paul, as he laughed out loud. My special memory? Adam greeting Paul on the driveway one day when Paul stopped by to drop something off for Adam after his physical exam (Paul’s) wearing two rubber gloves.

Katie is only just building her row boat to paddle across her own sea of pain to the other shore, with Sabby in front of her in their little boat. But this child of hope of mine; my fighter and surviver will find her path and put a deeper meaning in her life. There is NO meaning in a sensless death. I’ve never bought into that. But Katie can create meaning from her time with him, in deciding her path.

These last 48 hours were filled with many tears, despair, a little hope, a lot of gratitude for my wonderful family, Adam’s family my friends and the prayers I know are coming in Katie’s direction.

Even in the darkest times, there is a reason to smile and laugh for a moment. My grand daughter Izabella, is 4. I found her this morning when I woke up at Katie’s, playing alone in Sabby’s bedroom. Through my sleep deprived eyes, she looked a little sad. I sat down on Sabby’s bed and asked her if she knew what was going on around here.

She looked up at me and her own Izzy style smiled and the conversation went something like this…

Izzy… Yeah, Aunt Katies’ dad died”

Me… No honey Pappys is Katie’s dad, It was her fiance’.. the man she was going to marry..

Izzy.. ooohhh.

Me … do you have any questions?

Izzy. Uh yeah

Me .. bringing her up to my lap.. what question do you have for gran..

Izzy.. distracted by the TV.. uh.. whhhhhyyy do people..

Me.. switching her to my other lap away from the TV.. What honey?

Izzy.. uh…. yeah…. why….do…. people… walk?

Thank you Uncle Richard for the brief moments of laughter in the front yard of Katie’s house on the phone yesterday. Thank you Aunt Kathie, and Uncle Rob and Aunt Sandi for YOUR endless hours this weekend in the heat sitting on Katie’s patio and listening and giving love and support. Thanks to all my friends and family who’ve called or e-mailed their support.

Thanks for taking the long time to read my blog today and allowing me the opportunity to get my muddled brain a little decompressed.

Here’s a few minutes of fun during a very sad weekend for Sabby and her cousins.



  1. I am so sorry to hear this heart breaking news. Prayers are being said for you and your family Betty.

  2. I’m so sorry for you family’s loss. I’ll keep you all in my prayers, but especially Katy and Sabby.

  3. What a beautiful tribute to Adam and Katie. Yes I am sure Katie and Sabby were definitely a gift. Still doesn’t make it easy, but I would take love for any moment I can get it than to go without it. I know that is hard at this moment but I know in the long run Katie will be glad for the time they had. Lots of prayers and hugs for all you guys. I am happy to have acquired you all as family. Love, Sandi

  4. You know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  5. It’s a long hard road, especially for Katie and Sabby, but life will be great again! We have all been blessed with so much even if for just a brief time.

    Love You Guys! I wish I could be there with you.

  6. Betty I am so sorry to read this, so so sorry. Other than that, my prayers are with you all…this makes me so sad to read this!

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